Saturday, September 10, 2005

Just Thoughts

All I am is a screw up. I can't please anyone. All I do is cause frustration, not only to myself but also to others. I would rather be ALONE and deal with my own insecurities and problems. How can you be happy with someone when you are not happy with yourself?
Your self doubts and disbeliefs cause nothing but unhappiness and anger. To be ALONE brings FREEDOM but also LONELINESS. I want to be alone but at times I want to be wrapped in your arms. I like being ALONE. Being ALONE is what keeps me sane and somewhat happy.
I feel like I can't please anyone, especially the world. But I am only one person and I NEED TO PLEASE MYSELF!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

What's Up With Me?

I don't know what's going on with me. Lately I have been having weird thoughts. Thoughts that are making me question my entire life...and sexuality. For a while now I have been having thoughts of being with girls. And when I say "being"....I mean the whole package. Dating and having sex. Its like this constant growing urge inside of me and I don't know what I should do. I mean...I've been with a girl why is this coming up again? Is it because I have been hurt by men so much that I feel that a woman could treat me better? I really don't know what's up with me. I wish I had the answer cause I am so confused. Don't get me wrong...I love a good strong man...but there is something about being with a woman I just can't shake. Maybe there will be an answer to this perplexing situation soon....but until then...all I can do is hope that this urge does not totally consume me.


May God bless the individuals who are distraught and dealing with the recent mass destruction of hurricane Katrina....and please something about the oil crisis....Amen.

School Daze

The semester is finally here and I am so glad to be back in school. I cannot believe that in a few months time I will be graduating and entering the real world only to subject myself to four more years of school the coming fall (hopefully!). Nothing out of the ordinary has happened much except that I am commuting now and missing out on the mundane things that happen around this small campus. It seems like when I was a residence on campus, things rarely happened. Now all of a sudden there is so much to do (Aaaargh!!). There are many people here but I haven't the time to get to know them all. I am still hanging with my very good friend from Africa. To tell you the truth, he is the only person I really care about at this school, which is filled with simple minded individuals. Well, the first week of school was pretty good, and I hope that the falling weeks will be even better.

Friday, July 22, 2005


I feel that no one cares for me in this crazy messed up world. Thats really sad when I thought my family would be there for me in times of happiness and sadness. But I feel as if I have been abandoned by everyone. Being home this summer has been the worse tihng. Nothing has gone right for me. No job and no car....not even a relationship with my father. I have been thinking about my relationships over the years and how a lot of them failed. I always seemed to be the one giving my all and got nothing in return. Reminds me of how I acted when I was a child and still do when it comes to my father. I give my all to develop a relationship and I get nothing in return. He doesn't even care if I exist. He doesn't talk to me. I feel like a shadow. Seen but not acknowledged. I am so sad right now. I feel more sadness than I have ever felt in my life. And to be honest I don't think I can get over it.

Friday, July 08, 2005

May God Bless Us All

All I would like to say is my heart goes out to all the people in London dealing with this unneccessary tragedy. May God Bless Us All.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

A New Life

Its funny how you shelter yourself from things that are happening outside of your comfort zone. This January I was introduced to an African who helped me understand that there are people just like me across the Atlantic. He also opened my eyes to the issues that the continent of Africa deals with everyday. I did not realize that 30,000 children in Africa die every three seconds everyday due to extreme poverty. I never realized just how much debt the continent is facing. with the approaching days of the G8 Summit, I can only hope that they make the right decisions. I saw a sign during the Live 8 Concert that read..."No one in the 21st century should go hungry." That really made me think of how fortunate I am to be able to eat whenever I want and never wonder where my next meal will come from. My African friend, visiting and watching the Live 8 Concert, I has made me become more aware of myself and the things that are happening in a land not that far from mine. Maybe at one point in my life I would only be able to weep tears of sorrow for these suffering, yet strong individuals. But today after sitting through 8 hours of live performances by Pink Floyd, Madonna, Kanye West, and many others, I realized that I too can make a difference just by using my voice. I am going to makit it my goal to help Sir Bob Geldolf and the advocates of get the message across the nation...perhaps the world...that something can be done to help the millions of people who are suffering. I as an individual will try to spread the concept that POVERTY MUST END NOW!!! So I would like to thank my beloved friend from Africa, Sir Bob Geldolf, Live 8 Concert and for making me a better person and for opening my eyes to becoming more aware of global issues.

Monday, June 20, 2005

My Life

I wish that everything I ever wanted or wanted to do would work out. I guess I can't be that lucky. Nothing ever works out for me....ever. For once I would like to be happy cause I got my way but I know that will never happen. I'm still miserable and I will continue to be until I get my way.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Being Home

I really hate it here. My father starves me. I have no money. He doesn't help me. He won't fix my car so that I can get a job. He makes me sick. I feel sick. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am hungry. I absolutely hate it here.