Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Break Away

Do you ever want to break free or let loose? Well, I dream about doing that all the time. I'm always taking care of someone, always listening to everyone else's problems, always worrying, always keeping my feelings inside. For once I just want to be a bitch. I want to tell everyone how I really feel and start worrying about myself for once. I want to break free from the encapsulating shell that is shielding this beautiful butterfly. But alas, I know it will never happen. I am too shy and too quiet. I guess I will continue to hide in my shell and keep my feelings to myself, but I can continue to dream...can't I?

Monday, March 28, 2005

How Is It?

How is it that someone you have known for so long can change so much. I mean when I was dating Mr. Ex, things didn't always go right but now they seem better than before. How can someone take so much care of a person they no longer are dating. I guess its that funny thing called love that continues to make his heart feel the same way for me. I do love him with all my heart but would I be giving up a good thing if we were to try out a relationship again. I guess I am just too afraid to find out. Do you blame me? I have been through the trenches with some men and I have been hurt so badly. I just don't know if I can set myself up for failure again. I do not take defeat so easily. Two years is a long time to be with someone who when you first saw them, you knew instantly that this is the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe I am a dreamer or a hopeless romantic, or maybe I am just crazy. Why can't I see past all the bad things that have happened to look at the good he is doing now? I guess growing up with a life less ordinary has taught me that people can put out the things that they want outsiders to see but behind close doors its a different story. Just like the morals of one of my favorite Bob Marley songs says, "You are who you show yourself to be, not who you might say you are." Maybe I should take the advice of the song because he has shown me that he loves me and truly cares for me and not just by saying it. But I am just so afraid of taking the risk of putting myself in a relationship again, I mean I love being single but it gets lonely at times. I sometimes question my love...is it strong enough?....is it true?....I always come up with the answer as yes to at least one of these, but the other..I am so uncertain.......what shall I do?

"Your worst enemy could be your best friend
And your best friend your worst enemy"-Bob Marley Posted by Hello

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Date

Tonight was wonderful. I got to spend time with one of the people who cares so much for me. We went to dinner to my favorite restaurant. It was very romantic and the conversation was very good. I felt good because I felt that I was doing something good for my friend. The one who I had abused only a few days ago. I begin to realize just how important he is to me and just how much I really need him in my life. My heart was overwhelmed with joy when I saw him smiling and just having a good time with someone who hardly ever thinks she is capable of giving such. Last night made me feel wonderful...I just hope the rest of my week can feel this good...it is possible if i can keep my anger under control.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

War of the Hearts

Last night was horrible. I was spending time with my ex trying to make my saturday less boring. Well that didn't work out so good. We barely talked and there was nothing good on the telly. We laid around for 3 hours and he finally decided he wanted to take a drive after I wanted to go to bed. So his suggestion was met with hostility and complaints. We began to argue and the ride was something I could have done without. After I went to see our three dogs who we affectionately call our kids, things were a little less tense. When I came back to my dorm room things kind of got crazy again. We disagreed on something so stupid that I can't remember what it was. He began to talk to me in a rude manner and I began to have flashbacks of the times my mother would degrade me as a person. I got very upset and I got physical....I was so angry, but when I saw the look in his eyes after I had finished my fit, I wanted to die. How could I hurt the one man that has been there for me even though we are not a couple. I felt ashamed and sorry that I had let my mother once again get me upset. I must learn to channel my anger in other ways...maybe I should meditate all day and ask for forgiveness, maybe then I can feel some relief.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

The Life Which Is Mine

I'm sitting here thinking about the things that have happened in my life. I realize that some of them were although a lot of it was bad. Growing up with parents that were divorced was very difficult. I always felt that my mother looked upon me with scorn. She treated me as if she hated that she had given birth to me but looked upon my sister as a saint. My childhood life was not what I would have liked it to be. At the age of 4 I was a victim of child abuse and I believe it is the reason why I am so shy and afraid to let others in. When I lived in Italy, I was physically abused by both my step father and my mother. Throughout my life I felt as if I could never do anything right. All of my efforts were met with beatings or insults.
High School was not easy. I felt as if I didn't fit in. Sure I had friends, but I never felt as if I was really appreciated. I had boyfriends but none of them treated me like their equal. My first love made me feel so insecure. I began to lose a lot of weight because he threatened me that he would leave if I gained any. We were an on again off again couple for 5 years, and through the course of it I lost who I really was. I began to see a guy who attended my school but who also had a girlfriend. I must admit, being the other woman and cheating felt good but at the same time made me feel as if I was the most horrible person in the world. I soon found out just how much my new beau cared for me. Promising me that he would break up with his girlfriend to be with me....what a bunch of b.s. It seemed that for the majority of the affair it was nothing but sex which eventually lead to the break down of my character. I finally got the strength to break it off totally with the both of them and felt that I had gained my self respect back. After a few months I began to date a childhood friend of mine. He made me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He said sweet things and gave me the affection that I had been craving from a man. It was the best 5 months of my life but it was short lived because of my mother. She would not let me be happy. To this day I believe that my life would have been different if we would have continued our relationship.
My senior year of high school was the worst. My mother who is supposed to be my caregiver....my protector kicked me out of the house. I had finally reached my breaking point and told her how I really felt. I guess she could not handle the fact that she had to face the truth. This is when my father stepped into my life. I never thought I could depend on him but when he came that night to help me back my things..I realized that he really did care about me. I wasn't just the baine of his existence. When I moved out I lived with my father for a short time but could not stand the living conditions. I "ran away" but only a few blocks from home to an area called 5pts. There I slept on a wall that encloses the fountain, in alleyways, or anywhere I believed I would be safe from the night transients. After a few days I decided to come back home. At school a friend of mine knew what I was going through and offered me to stay with her which I did until I graduated from high school. This time was worsened by the death of my grandfather. It really is true that you don't realize how important someone is until they are gone. I returned home only because my mother threatened me that I would not be able to go to school if I didn't . I lived with my grandmother...the widow...for the whole summer. It really made us closer and I enjoyed the time we spent together...she actually let me have company and go out dates!
When the month of August came I was getting ready to go off to college...maybe I shouldn't say go off to because its only 30 minuntes from home. My first day there was really cool. I met a lot of interesting people and also my boyfriend who is now my ex. We started dating about a week after school began. He made me feel like my childhood friend had. I felt more alive when I was with him and I didn't feel that he would persecute me for being me. I was so happy and being happy caused me to gain the freshman 15, 20, 25, etc. Although we had our ups and downs, my love for him never changed. I believed that nothing could go wrong.
In the fall of 2003, I was driving to school and a weird feeling began to come over me. I felt as if I were having an out of body experience...I didn't feel at one with my self..things began to get very hazy and I broke down in tears. After talking with the pastor and the counseling nurse..I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was told that all the things that had happen in my life where finally taking a toll on me. I was put on medication which only caused me to gain a ton of weight so I systematically took myself off of them. I felt much better without the drugs even though I still continue to have my ups and downs. In January of 2004, my boyfriend and I broke up over a tragic event and since then I have been single. I love him with all my heart but cannot bring myself to be with him with the fear of being hurt again..am I being irrational...I don't think so. Only time will heal my wounds and I don't believe that I have fully healed yet.
Today life is a little easier even though I am battling with my inner self. My practicing of Buddhism has helped me to try and understand the suffering of my existence. Through this practice I hope to gain some sort of normal and healthy life.

Something New

Today I thought I would try something new. I thought it would be a good way to interact with the millions of people around the world. I am a very shy person and I often find it hard to express my feelings. I believe this is a good way to get a lot of things off my chest and also a way to clear my mind of all the madness I encounter everyday.