Saturday, April 30, 2005

Song For Maxine

Cry to me
Cry to me yeah!
You're gonna walk back
Through the heart aches
You're gonna walk back
Through the pain
You're gonna shed those lonely teardrops
The reaction of your cheating game

You've got to cry to me yeah!
You've got to cry to me now
Lord knows how I get from
The heartaches

Lord that leadeth me yeah!
And now I'm by the still water

You've got to cry to me yeah!
Cry to me now
You've got to cry to me yeah!
You're gonna spend those lonely hours

You're gonna shed those lonely tears
Walk back through the heart aches
Walk back through the pain
Shed those lonely tear drops
Reaction of your cheating game

-Bob Marley


This morning I awoke to the sound of someone txting me on yahoo messenger. I look at my window and notice that outside its rather dark. I love it when its cloudy and raining and storming...something about it seems so melancholy...much like my mood today. I have to start packing because its almost time for me to leave the place in which I find serenity. Back to home...the place I hate so much...the place that drains me of any positive energy. I can't wait until I can get away permanantly...but if I don't get a degree I will be there...stuck...trapped. My only wish in life is that everything will finally work out for the best for ME. But I know that is a long shot for something like that to happen for me. Maybe if I get over my loser mentality that I have at the present, maybe my wish will be something hopeful. But hell, I am entitled to be negative at least once in my life and right now it feels really good.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo Posted by Hello

Anger #5


Brewing, stewing, spewing,
gut-wrenching anger.
Welling, swelling, dwelling,
gut-wrenching anger.
Seething, teasing, pleasing,
gut-wrenching anger.
Finds me, binds me, blinds me,
gut-wrenching anger.
Leaves me,
Cleans me,
Frees me,
Gut-wrenching anger.

Anger #4

I feel the anger building once again,
Why must this rage plague me so?
I fear it futile to try to quell it's
Fury, But am apprehensive of the consequences
Of unleashing the beast,
As it were.
My anger is my own.
None save myself must know the
Havoc it can wreak.
Such strain it is, trying to
Extinguish the flames of fury, But if it is
Freed, containment may prove impossible.
So I begin the sublimation,
Use the anger, provide the drive.
The anger fuels my ambition,
Pushes me to achieve.
My anger is my own.

Anger #3

Kounnar ruz


There is no worm so small that

it won't curl up, if one walks on top of it

No, I no longer dare,

Dearly beloved parents,

I no longer dare to direct my gaze

At your pictures.

On your faces I read too many rebukes

Rebukes for my laziness, for my carelessness:

I fail in my strictest duties,

Fail to defend my country's integrity,

That sacred heritage passed through the centuries,

From generation to generation in your lineage.

I let that sacred heritage weaken,

For fear of losing the good graces

Of the bigshots of the parish...

...But you know well, my mother and my father,

The little people? It's better for them to keep quiet.

Keep quiet and suffer.

To be immobilized throughout their lives

By the aristocracy

It's the little people who don't have the right

To defend their right!

They don't have the right to shed a tear for their unhappiness

Except in secret from everyone...

However, I can no longer keep quiet,

I've already been quiet too long,

Months and months I have been patient,

Between epochs of rage

And epochs of despair.

I have felt too much bitterness in my heart,

One day soon the package

Will explode,

Like a spring too restrained

And all the worse for someone


There is nothing worse on earth

Than sheep enraged..


Right now I am just wallowing in self pity. I must admit this the first time I have ever done this. I am usually strong but sometimes I just want to give up. I have had to be strong the majority of my life. I think I am entitled to one break down. Although the early part of the day was really bad my best friend came over and made me feel so much better. Not to mention playing video games really helped me to vent some frustration. Nothing like going on a rampage in San Andreas. Well, I guess I am going to have to do it like my granny says...take it one day at a time. It's easier said than done because I know how I am. But there is nothing wrong with giving it a try....right?

Friday, April 29, 2005

Anger #2


Churning and boiling
heaving, hot - like a cup of tea
on a table in an earthquake.
The steam zigzags up as the
cup clanks and rat-tat-tats
on the saucer
And the dark tea sloshes around
in a whirlpool
over-spilling the sides and
staining the fine lace cloth
Gravity - and then
E X P L O S I O N!
and silence.
The deadened silence of a cease- fire . . .
thick, heavy silence.
It's almost as unbearable as the quake . . .
more ominous . . . fearful . . . unknown . . .
Can this uncertain peace
be more comfortable
than certain war?


I just got the fucking news today that I will not have enough money to continue my education. It really sucks. I changed my major to something I found more fullfilling...more worthwhile. I finally followed my heart and it took me to a dead end. Why didn't I just stay where I was. I guess I figured it was time to follow my heart.
Today I need affection...I needed to feel loved. I needed to know that I didn't make a stupid decision...that I did the right thing by following my heart. Instead I feel so lonely, so stupid, so incompetent. Today I had a sob session in which I contemplated the answer to all my questions. I am really freakin depressed...I doubt if I will ever get out of this funk. Is it okay if I blame my damn mother for pushing me towards something I thought I loved but only found out later that I loved it for her? How could I be so dumb? Why wasn't I strong enough to follow my heart sooner? Now I have to deal with yet another nerve racking situation. Death seems like such an easy solution...but is it really?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Anger #1

Anger is like a
Bear without any honey--
no sweets, no sugar

So glad as a bird
I sing and chirp in a good mood...
If I just had wings



I'm feeling so alone now. Could it be that everyone I have ever known has abandoned me. Why do I feel this way? Sometimes I feel I am losing my battle with depression...will I ever win? Feeling so enclosed that I can't breathe. My anger fueled by the past is slowly but surely engulfing me. I try to let go of the pain, but it's easier said than done. I can never be happy because I don't believe I was meant to be. Every time I think my life is looking up, I find myself tumbling down harder than the last. I try to be strong...but I can't continue. Should I just give up....accept defeat?

Sonnet 50

How heavy do I journey on the way,
When what I seek, my weary travel's end,
Doth teach that ease and that repose to say,
'Thus far the miles are measured from thy friend!'
The beast that bears me, tired with my woe,
Plods dully on, to bear that weight in me,
As if by some instinct the wretch did know
His rider lov'd not speed being made from thee.
The bloody spur cannot provoke him on,
That sometimes anger thrusts into his hide,
Which heavily he answers with a groan,
More sharp to me than spurring to his side;
For that same groan doth put this in my mind,
My grief lies onward, and my joy behind.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

This is how my life should be Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Gun

Its funny how you a weapon without a care until its turned on you. Before that night, I was learning to shoot a rifle. I was pretty good although I had never touched a gun in my life. The night was growing older, and you thought it funny to tell a joke. I really didn't care what you were talking about but when you started hounding me, I decided to entertain you...or to follow you up as one would say. You threatened to throw me in a river, with my lover. To make matters worse you used the one thing that I never thought was a threat to me. The Gun...used to make a point...used to scare. Now, the mere sight of a Gun takes me back to that night when I was staring down the barrel of a saturday night special. Now I don't know if I can trust you with my life again. Sometimes the apologies seem so worthless. But its true, time heals all wounds. I have forgiven, but can't forget. Can we ever go back to a life that is worry free and where I am no longer afraid....I don't think I will ever know....the past keeps me from moving on.